Musings of a Mad Sub

The Midget Muppet Gang (MMG) is back, and this time the group is operating in Edenvale.

According to my source within the organisation, they have successfully infiltrated the DA, the CPF and the SAPS. They are promoting their agenda. It will be a revolution I was told.

As you all know, thanks to the wonderfully penned letter in last week’s edition, the current CPF chairperson was accused of Compounding. Now I admit, I had to do some research on this one.

Another source within the MMG, a lawyer who has successfully defended the group against numerous charges from other muppets, told me what compounding was.

He also directed me to have a look at the book, South African Criminal Law and Procedure: Common-law crimes, written by John Milton.

There I discovered the following definition.

“Compounding consists in unlawfully and intentionally agreeing for reward not to prosecute a crime which is punishable otherwise than by fine only. Compounding is a kind of passive obstruction of justice involving agreements (by X) to refrain from prosecuting (Y) in consideration of payment.”

So the CPF chairperson stands accused of accepting money, or some other form of consideration, to not report a crime.

What is rather interesting, is the claim levelled against the CPF chairperson makes no mention of the latter half of the legal definition. Only the first part, that she allegedly did not report a crime, is mentioned. Again, I’m no legal expert, but I would think it impractical to use only half a definition when charging someone.

If this is correct, then if I were the author, I would hurry along to the nearest police station to lay a charge, before I too was charged with Compounding, since the author clearly also witnessed a crime but failed to report it to the SAPS.

The same goes for anyone who saw the author see the crime. They too would have to report seeing a person who saw a crime.

Of course, anyone who saw someone see the person who saw the original crime would also have to report the matter.

While speaking to my source within the MMG, he warned me against misquoting him. I asked why he would mention this, and he said if it comes across that he looks foolish or unimportant, then he would simply claim I had misquoted him. Not a very nice thing to do, considering I have covered stories for the MMG before, and rather accurately too.

He said this didn’t matter. It was a tried and tested method, as long as there were no recording devices present to show otherwise.

In fact, numerous government ministers have approached the MMG for advice when dealing with the media. Where do you think the original idea came from when we first heard those wonderful lines, “The media misquoted me”? Old Mac was tight with the MMG, bru.

Since the same word-wise author also accused the NEWS of having a desire to promote the agenda of the CPF, I asked my MMG source if they had managed to infiltrate the NEWS.

“We used to have a couple of muppets in the newsroom, but they all fled,” he said. Something about the boss eating all the chicken strips scared them off.

“So no, there are no muppets in the newsroom, but we are trying to get access. At the moment, the easiest way for a muppet to access the NEWS is to write a Letter to the Editor. She is very accommodating towards muppets,” my source said.

Clearly my source was now dodging my question about the agenda.

“Has anyone even said what the agenda is? No? Then stop misquoting me,” I was told.

Clearly upset, I allowed the little man a chance to simmer down.

But he had a point. No one could actually voice what this alleged agenda was all about. There were only pie-in-the-sky claims of some infernal ‘agenda’. Perhaps, I thought, using the notion of an agenda was actually the true agenda.

Pushing my luck, I asked how the MMG had managed to gain access to the Edenvale CPF.

“Easy, we simply sent in a muppet who lives in another area, outside the Edenvale CPF. The Bedfordview branch of the MMG, more specifically the Klopper Park Unit, was only too happy to lend us a muppet for a week or two,” said my source, with a knowing wink.

As my source walked away from the meeting, I wondered if this perhaps did not explain why some people were of the opinion the NEWS was biased? Perhaps they simply could not follow all the previous articles published. Because they live outside the NEWS’ area of coverage. And because they fall under a completely separate CPF.