How to talk to your child about the birds and the bees

Talking to your child about sex might be an uncomfortable conversation but if you don’t educate them, someone else will. If you’re searching for ways to encourage a safe space to talk about sex with your children, read on…

Let your child speak: While it’s tempting to think that because as the parent you know more and are guiding them, you should talk more than them. This is not correct.  If your child asks what a sexually related word means, for example, first ask a clarifying question such as “Where did you hear that word?” in order to give an appropriate response. Gauging what their current understanding of the subject is will create a good starting block to build and direct the conversation.

Personal space and boundaries: It’s particularly important, for their safety, to explain to children at a young age what others may or may not do to them. Learning about boundaries and what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to touching — or being touched — by other people is fundamental. It’s crucial that even young children learn to ask before they touch someone else. It is important, therefore, for children to learn what people are allowed and not allowed to do with their bodies.

The importance of open communication: Highlight that they can tell you about anything inappropriate, and welcome this without making them feel uncomfortable. While you can skip the explicit details, now is when you should be telling your child that others should never ask to or try to touch their genitals. It’s important to convey that your kids can tell you about inappropriate actions at any time, even if they’ve previously kept it a secret.

Ditch pet names for body parts: One of the first challenges for parents is usually knowing when and how to term anatomical parts to your children. The older generation of parents gave genitals pet names, and this increases a child’s curiosity about sexuality and might raise alarm. It also makes it feel like conversations around genitals are something to shy away from. According to South African sexual expert and the author of A Guide to Sexual Health & Pleasure Dr. Tlaleng Mofokeng, people need to be comfortable enough to state their anatomical part without it sounding vulgar. Children need to be comfortable naming their anatomical parts without feeling uncomfortable.

Body changes: It’s important to prepare and guide your children about how their bodies will change. When kids are around age six, this can be a simple discussion about how bodies change as we grow. For example, you could compare photos of when they were little with what they look like now. Save the more detailed puberty talk until just before your child or those in her peer group start experiencing it.

Give easy to understand examples: When children reach the 9 to 12 year age group the discussions you have can get a bit more detailed. Now is when you should start talking about sexism and sexualisation. Use examples found in the media or even in your own community — for example, a grandparent who thinks boys should only have short hair — to spark discussions. These chats can support kids to find their power, and point out positive examples of individuals who have overcome stereotypes.