Death is a sad reality, and while we as adults struggle with the concept of death, it can be even more difficult for children to understand. To protect our children, parents tend to shield them from the truth, thinking that a child isn’t aware of pain around us in the event of a loss. But children are aware, and they can sense our emotions.
When single mom Nonzwakazi Cekete lost her partner four years ago to a bike accident, she was confused about how she was gone to break the news to her then six and seven-year-old children. Besides struggling with her own grief, she was having a tough time deciding whether to tell her children the truth about what had happened to their dad or say he had gone somewhere far and would come back one day.
“I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the truth, but I could tell from their stares that they wanted the truth. People surrounding me were comforting me, and my partner wasn’t there. He was gone,” says Nonzwakazi, adding that she felt obliged to tell the children their father had died and that they would get through this loss as a family. According to experts, this was the best way to deal with this tragedy.
Talking to children about death
How you break the news to your child that a loved one has passed is highly dependent on their age. Children will have so many questions, and it is your responsibility as a parent to answer in an age-appropriate manner. Even though they may seem satisfied with the answers, they may come back for more information at a later stage, so don’t get distressed if they ask the same questions again and again. Also, be prepared for difficult questions like, “What happens to the body? Where is the person now?” Be honest, but only provide them with enough information to digest and not overload them by going into exact details. Keep in mind that too much information can add to their confusion, so let your child set the conversation’s pace and assure them that they can talk to you about what is happening and what has happened. Much of what you’ll say will depend on your own beliefs around death. Be honest about the things you don’t know.
Eliminating the myths and lies
- Don’t tell a child that the person who has passed away has gone into a long sleep, making your child scared. This might frighten the child when it is time to go to bed. They might think they might also fall into this deep sleep and not wake up.
- Don’t say to the child that a person went away, and they will come back later. They might worry that if you go out, you might not come back.
- Please don’t create the impression that it is only older adults who die. Tell them that death can happen at any age.
Should children attend funerals?
Depending on your religious beliefs and traditions, it is usually good to involve children in remembering the person. Feeling excluded can do more damage to a child, so use funerals as a point of closure. Explain carefully what will happen and have a trusted adult assigned to help them during the service should they want to leave or go and play outside, if the need arises.
Dealing with grief
We all deal with grief differently. Children may be sad one minute and playing and smiling another. If they want to cry, allow them to. They might also feel guilty and blame themselves for someone’s death, thinking the person died because they were naughty or because they did something wrong. Help them understand that this isn’t the case. They may also get angry with the person who died for leaving them. Let them know it’s okay to feel angry. When children don’t have the words to express their feelings, their emotions may come out in their behaviour. They may have reached a milestone or learned a new skill but after the death of the loved one regress. This is normal, as is throwing tantrums and changes in sleeping patterns. To help your child cope do little things to keep your child’s mind occupied. Organise play dates or times with other friends so that children can also have a chance to be kids, have fun, and not always be around grief.
Counselling is a good option
If you and your family are not coping with a loved one’s death, it’s best to seek professional help. It will help you confront your emotions and provide you with coping mechanisms to help your little one through this tough time. With this in place and time, the family will heal.
