Like being a victim of abuse, being an abuser is not limited to a particular kind of person.
In fact, most victims of abuse know their perpetrator.
Victims also know the people defending, and in some cases protecting, perpetrators.
One such perpetrator is convicted sex offender and rapper Smiso ‘Okmalumkoolkat’ Zwane, who was found guilty of indecent assault and assault with indecent intent in Australia when he, according to the victim’s statement, walked into a hotel room he thought was his own to find a woman in the bed.
Zwane apparently proceeded to fondle her genitals while kissing her neck before telling her not to make a noise.
He issued a public apology and asked that this not be mentioned anymore because he has moved on with his life.
He also said he is sorry that the woman felt violated, but offered no words of acknowledging that his actions, in fact, did violate the victim, saying he only chose to plead guilty because he was in a foreign country.
He was defended by his rapper friend Kiernen ‘AKA’ Forbes, who said the City Press newspaper was pushing an agenda for calling Zwane a convicted sex offender, which he is.
Fezekile Ntsukela Khuzwayo accused former President Jacob Zuma of rape.
Zuma, who Khuzwayo affectionately called uncle even during the trial, was friends and cell mates with Khuzwayo’s father on Robben Island.
During the trial, the then ANC Youth League president, current commander in chief of the EFF and staunch supporter of Zuma at the time Julius Malema said Khuzwayo must have enjoyed it if she could stay over for breakfast and ask for taxi money to go home.
During the trial, Zuma’s legal team painted Khuzwayo as a hyper sexualised woman by making her detail consensual sexual experiences and pouring water on her reports of being raped while in exile – saying she must have wanted it.
Khuzwayo was also accused of being on a political witch hunt to stop Zuma from becoming president.
The trial ended in Zuma being acquitted and becoming president while Khuzwayo had to move to Amsterdam under a false name.
This is just a drop in the ocean of the number of perpetrators who are supported – and even defended – after their offences against women.
In Khuzwayo’s case, like with many others, the victims are blamed and still not believed.
They are faced with many questions like what the victim was thinking wearing a kanga.
The abusers, who are believed to not have abused the women – at least not from a place of malice – ought to be forgiven and the matter forgotten.
By not believing a victim or worse, associating with their perpetrator, you not only spit on her already traumatised face, but you enable the cycle of abuse to continue because perpetrators know they always have people who will believe them, silencing victims.
Being an apologist for abuse, in any of its forms, leads to you being an enabler.
As hard as it may be, when someone close to you has an accusation of abuse against them, ignoring it will not make the elephant in the room disappear.
The best course of action, if you do not want to sever your relationship, is to speak frankly with your friend about being accountable for their actions.
The alternative is living with yourself knowing that you may be enabling abusive behaviour.
