I talk and think about sex a lot; this is something most people I know (even those who have just met me) are well aware of. More often than not I have dudes who are amazed at the fact that I can “out-filth” them, but that’s patriarchy at work. One of the things I hear a lot from these same men is that women don’t think about, have or enjoy sex as much as men do. Ha, aren’t binaries a blast?
I quite enjoy hearing this from men because most times it tells me off the bat that they are sexist and most likely horrendous in bed. (Don’t let sexists penetrate you.) I saw this conversation happen on Twitter and laughed quietly at the fact that there are grown men out here who are convinced that women need to be sweet-talked into having sex as though we don’t want it just as badly as they do. Nothing about a specific gender points to libido and it’s incredible how few men are aware of this. A woman who came across my timeline pointed out that it’s because most men figure that sex is something that happens to women not something they actually participate in to derive pleasure from.
It speaks to the focus that is placed on men in sex and the politics that surrounds it, but the thing I wanted to highlight was how the emphasis on orgasms tends to shape the pleasure that people focus on during sex. When “he finishes”, sex is over, but hardly the same importance is placed on the orgasm a woman has. Let’s go a little further with it here and ask ourselves why the goal of orgasm is the main point rather than enjoying the actual experience. Why do we not enjoy sex for what it is? Feeling good. Why are we so preoccupied with getting our partner to completion rather than focusing on the back-scratching, lip-biting and the hallelujah of blood warming under skins as we move together? Come on.
I must admit that the times I enjoy reaching orgasm the most are when I’m by myself. When I’m with a partner I focus so much on getting them the pleasure they’d like, regardless of orgasm. Hell, some of the best sex I’ve had didn’t even end because of an orgasm but rather because we got tired. Have you ever had sex until you were literally sweating, sore and exhausted? Orgasm or not, that’s the sex I need and love. That we all need and love. And the fact that there are people out there who believe that sex is only enjoyable for men, that women don’t appreciate it as much or that their orgasm is the only variable involved in labelling the sex great is ridiculous. Orgasms aren’t the end result and sex lacks when you focus solely on them as a goal. The kissing, the touching, the enjoying each other’s absolute pleasure and being in the same space with someone who is able to make you feel great without a word should be reward enough. This is, of course, not to say that we shouldn’t focus on the orgasms, because most of us relish that feeling when you feel removed from your body and writhe in ecstasy. The ride should be just as incredible as the destination.
So when men speak all about how women don’t enjoy sex as much as they do, all I hear is that they probably finished too fast to get her to actual feel good, that they were so focused on trying to get her to orgasm that they forgot to just be there and enjoy her, or that they really don’t care about their pleasure but rather their own. No one should ever have to have sex with someone who tries to convince you that the reason you don’t enjoy sex (with them) is because you don’t enjoy sex at all (because woman).
Sometimes shit people are shit and give shit sex.