Eish! 17.5.2016 09:11 pm

Malema’s ‘real meal revolution’

Top left: Young Malema.
Bottom left: After the years of plenty.
Right: Getting back to being 'a hunk'.

Top left: Young Malema. Bottom left: After the years of plenty. Right: Getting back to being 'a hunk'.

Your TV’s not broken. The CIC has been losing weight. Is he swapping the pleasures of the ‘black doctor’ for the banting advice of a white one?

If you’ve been wondering recently if you need to adjust your TV set because EFF leader Julius Malema doesn’t look like the guy we’ve gotten used to seeing, do not fear.

It’s still him. He’s just been on a diet, according to the party’s spokesperson, Mbuyiseni Ndlozi. He’s starting to look more like the Young Lion who emerged from Seshego in the mid-noughties, hungry for more than just political power. Back then, he just looked plain hungry.

The Herald has reported that he’s been exchanging “cooldrinks for cauliflower” and even sports scientist and controversial nutritionist Tim Noakes has “weighed in” on the matter, saying that if the commander in chief is interested, he’ll give him a “real-meal revolution” that comes with lots of butter to match Malema’s “real revolution” that comes with loads of berets.

Noakes was last in the news for telling mothers that you can never start feeding an infant fatty foods too soon, so perhaps it was a good thing that he took a break from writing “Banting for Babies” to share that he had somehow concluded (as, of course, experts know everything) that Malema was overweight because he was insulin-resistant as a result of eating too many carbohydrates and slugging back too many Cokes. Malema should have told him the only reason he loves the “black doctor” so much is because the containers for all that instant fuzzy joy match his overalls. Sorry, white doctor.

However, the Doc pointed out that “to lose weight successfully he needs to do a few things – limit his carbohydrate intake to less than 25g a day, eat no sugar whatsoever and drink no sweetened beverages, eat no processed foods, hire a chef to cook foods only from our book Real Meal Revolution, including only those foods on the green list, eat a maximum of two meals a day and practice intermittent fasting‚” he said.

Overthrowing the government through the barrel of a gun sounds a lot easier.

To cap it off, the white doctor concluded that Malema could go back to being the “80kg hunk he was in his matric year” if he followed all this advice. One has to wonder if Noakes:

1) knows what a hunk is

or

2) knows what 80kg is.

The younger stick-figure Malema could have fit completely into the umkhaba the later Malema nurtured while overseeing tenders in Limpopo during his years of plenty in the ANC Youth League. We always thought maybe he ate the younger Malema somehow.

Ndlozi has confirmed that Malema has hit the gym and “a diet programme to look good and be in good shape”. He promised that he would give people details about it later.

Before taking on a sitting president and an entire state apparatus, a lifetime of education from Hollywood has taught us that you need to be able to run up steps, do pull-ups and (perhaps most importantly) a round-house kick if anyone is going to take you seriously.

It’s not that far-fetched. Especially if you’ve been watching parliament lately.

Of course it’s just a matter of time before Malema’s shadow, Floyd Shivambu, starts looking like The Rock. We’ve heard rumours that he is about to start carbo-loading and lifting, bro. Currently, though, witnesses have only seen him carbo-loading – tough as it’s been to buy carbs since that dreadful day the baby he unsuccessfully claimed wasn’t his started eating all his papgeld.

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